Fellow Kolobians,
Would to God that I could open the eyes of your understanding to the eternal truths of that which is, was, and is to come. The Spirit of our Heavenly Father burns my bosom with the conviction that many of us are being led away from that holy Iron Rod by nothing other than the very brains we were endowed with as we began our mortal sojourn in this solar system. It is becoming more apparent each passing day that the very elect of God are not so elect after all.
Let us examine what we know of a surety. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the Book of Mormon is the word of God's prophets chiseled into plates of gold and buried in the Hill Cumorah. We know that this book was safe-guarded by the prophet Moroni and later given to the now exalted Joseph Smith. We know that Brother Joseph hid the plates away and through an inspired remote viewing strategy was able to translate them while in another room with his head in a hat. Because of this, we know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, that the Priesthood of God was restored to the earth through Him, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true Mormon sect on the face of the earth. All other Mormon sects are apostate and have no power or authority, regardless of how closely they adhere to the inspired words of the Doctrine & Covenants and Book of Commandments.
What else do we know, my fellow Kolobians? I'll tell you what we know. We know that we are gods-in-training. We know that Elohim was once a man like us. We know that he probably had a masturbation problem, too, at one time. Well, scratch that. We don't KNOW that. We only believe it. Ok, back to what we know.
We know, through the inspired words of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Wilford Woodruff, and Bruce McKonkie that there isn't a god alive in the universe that wasn't once a mortal man. We know that there isn't a mortal man alive who wasn't at one time a spirit. We know that there isn't a spirit alive who wasn't at one time merely an intelligence. What does that tell us about the gods?
It tells us that ALL gods were once men. It tells us that ALL gods were once spirits. And most importantly, it tells us that ALL gods were once intelligences. Why is it so important to know this, my fellow Kolobians? I'll tell you why. Nay, the Spirit of our God will tell you why through me.
It's important because if ALL gods were once men, then that means there was necessarily a time when there were no gods.
Consider this for a moment. There was a time when no gods existed. This means that there was an intelligence of such diligence, such focus, that he was able to increase his power & dominion line upon line, precept upon precept until he could command the very elements himself. This god was the one. This god was amazing. This god has nothing to do with you or me.
Stop thinking about this god. Stop it. Do you not love your Heavenly Father? Are you not grateful for the many blessings he has bestowed upon you? Do you not appreciate that you were born into the true church in these Latter Days and that you are filled with such a portion of the Holy Spirit that you were led to this blog to read this post on this day?
Then stop asking yourselves abominable questions such as, "if that god was capable of becoming a god without the help of any other gods; without a savior; without an atonement; without a plan of salvation; without a temple; without covenants; and most importantly without priesthood; Why can't I?"
Stop it.
If you're asking yourself why it is necessary for us to follow Elohim's plan when the nameless god didn't have to, STOP IT!
Isn't it obvious, fellow Kolobians? Imagine to yourselves that your earthly father owned a grocery store and that's how he supported your family. Imagine now that you found out that you have the power to call food into existence simply by willing it. Now you're faced with a choice. Do you will food into existence and share that knowledge with others? By doing so you would surely be putting your father out of business.
Or do you keep your discovery a secret? By doing so you would ensure your father stays in business and has something to do with his time. Sure, YOU would know your father's business was a complete waste of time and completely unncessary, but isn't your father's happiness more important than the temporal salvation of your fellow man? Isn't this the lesson we learn in the building and adorning of temples?
If you're asking yourselves why it's better to keep your father's unnecessary business going when there are starving children everywhere who don't have money to pay for groceries, STOP IT!
These are damning questions, my fellow Kolobians. I pray to our Heavenly Father that you will be given difficult and tedious callings that will consume you and your time and keep you from pondering the mysteries of godliness that you're obviously not mature enough to contemplate.
In the name of Jesus, even the Christ. Amen.
Mormon.org and LDS.org are constantly being hacked by rabid anti-mormons which is why the doctrine on those sites doesn't make any sense at all. The Holy Ghost has instructed me to create this blog as a means of channeling the right information directly from Kolob for the edification of the saints.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
What is Kolobianism?
Kolobianism is a family company. It's the cutting edge in multi-level marketing campaigns. And you, my friend, have already signed up. Betcha didn't know that.
When 14-year old Helen Mar Kimball was commanded by her parents to be one of Joseph Smith's plural wives she knew in her heart of hearts that she was getting in on the ground floor of one of the most exciting investment opportunities this side of the Pleiades.
After all, Joseph Smith has done more for the human race than anyone, including Jesus Christ.
What Joseph Smith has shared with the world is that we are all Intelligences, or discrete units of consciousness. Once upon a time we were approached by an exalted man named Elohim (or one of his headhunters) and told about an exciting opportunity. If we signed up with his company he would give us men the opportunity to be like him. We could have a celestial body (which is waaay better than the meatsacks we're walking around in now), plus we could legally have as many wives as we want! But that's not all. We will get to spend the rest of eternity having glorious celestial sex with as many wives as we can handle, AND we'll get to create universes with our super duper priesthood power.
What's the catch, you say? Not much, really. Unless you're a woman. Women kind of get the short end of the stick on this one. But who really cares about women anyway, am I right? I never trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die.
Just like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11, women were created for man's benefit. The purpose of a woman is to make babies, take care of babies, sex us up, and make more babies. And of course to make sure there's a warm delicious meal waiting for us at the end of the day.
Paul was speaking for Jesus and Joseph Smith when he said that. Women are commodities in the Lord's kingdom. Aren't they awesome? Do you have one? If not, there's a whole bunch of sexually repressed female Kolobians at BYU with no intention of actually graduating. They're waiting for a returned missionary like yourself to show them just how awkward sex can really be when you've been taught your whole life that it was evil. Go get 'em, Tiger! ;)
Anyway, back to business. And I do mean business. After we were recruited into Elohim's company, He had sex with some of his wives, and in their celestial tummies they created spirit bodies which we were linked into. We were now discrete units of consciousness inside a spirit body, and our new home was a glass planet orbiting a giant star called Kolob. Isn’t it wonderful?
Who knows how long he teased us recruits by prancing around in his superior body, exercising his superior intellect and being followed around by his celestial harem. Eventually, everybody was called into a team meeting. There was electricity in the air. The gossip was flying like crazy. It was time.
Elohim, his wives, his bodyguards, and his servants stood at the front of the meeting and he told us what we needed to do in order to be like him. First, he informed us that Jehova and Michael had created a planet called Earth and planted a garden in it last week. No wonder we hadn’t seen them on Sunday. They must have been exhausted.
Then he said, "Now, Michael is going to take one of his wives down to earth and start making mortal bodies for you to live in. Don’t panic, but you’re going to lose your spirit body for a little while. No, it doesn’t hurt. Well, maybe just a little."
"When you’re born you won’t remember ANYTHING. Your memory will be wiped clean. I won’t give you any evidence of my existence, whatsoever. But I still expect you to do whatever I say. You’ve all been studying very hard and you’ve come a long way. Our new training class is beginning soon so we need to make room. It’s time for you all to be tested. I can’t just make you gods and have you terrorizing the multi-verse. This isn’t a Masonic lodge in Nauvoo. We don’t just promote people to promote them. I must make sure you’re going to represent me and my company admirably."
(Elohim looks at his watch, then up at Kolob and shuffles his feet nervously)
Suddenly someone starts pushing through the crowd. It’s Lucifer: Elohim’s prize salesman. He says he’s been reviewing the retention rate of the last 7,000 classes and it’s consistently stayed at under 1% of the class. That means if we follow through with the test as written 99% of us won’t make it. He said that seems a little counter-productive and serious waste of resources.
Jehova, obviously sore from his recent planet-building activities slowly stands up and tells Lucifer not to question the boss, that it sends the wrong message. He said this is how our family’s company has been doing business all along and there’s no reason to change it now.
A lot of people thought it was dumb that only 1% of us would get to be gods and went and stood by Lucifer.
The rest of us did what any smart businessperson would do: we followed the money.
Now we’re here. If we do everything we’re supposed to do, if we walk up to every covenant we’ve made in the temple, give all our time, money, and even our very lives to the church, and don’t masturbate even once, we might just be lucky enough to be promoted to middle management in Elohim's company.
After all, Elohim is the boss. Even if we become gods, and create our own universes with our own planets and promote our own children to gods, all we will be doing is moving Elohim up the pyramid of glory & dominion.
Now remember: you can’t use magic as a god. That’s not in the program. But if you spend an eternity having sex with thousands of women then you're technically making magic happen, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?
The game plan is to spend the rest of eternity building schools that teach its students how to be teachers. The teachers, then, build their own schools and teach their students how to be teachers. Then those teachers build their own schools and their own students how to be teachers. It’s teachers teaching how to teach, but never allowing their students to teach anything other than how to teach! That's the program. Don't question it. You've already signed up, remember?
Any of you men out there who think this sounds like a colossal waste of time probably have a masturbation problem and need to see your bishop immediately. Any women out there who have a problem being one of an infinite number of breeding cows assigned to one man for the rest of eternity, patiently waiting for your turn in a cycle as slow as the precession of the equinoxes, well, you women just need to learn your place in God's kingdom. Go knit a sweater or something until we call for you.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
When 14-year old Helen Mar Kimball was commanded by her parents to be one of Joseph Smith's plural wives she knew in her heart of hearts that she was getting in on the ground floor of one of the most exciting investment opportunities this side of the Pleiades.
After all, Joseph Smith has done more for the human race than anyone, including Jesus Christ.
What Joseph Smith has shared with the world is that we are all Intelligences, or discrete units of consciousness. Once upon a time we were approached by an exalted man named Elohim (or one of his headhunters) and told about an exciting opportunity. If we signed up with his company he would give us men the opportunity to be like him. We could have a celestial body (which is waaay better than the meatsacks we're walking around in now), plus we could legally have as many wives as we want! But that's not all. We will get to spend the rest of eternity having glorious celestial sex with as many wives as we can handle, AND we'll get to create universes with our super duper priesthood power.
What's the catch, you say? Not much, really. Unless you're a woman. Women kind of get the short end of the stick on this one. But who really cares about women anyway, am I right? I never trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die.
Just like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11, women were created for man's benefit. The purpose of a woman is to make babies, take care of babies, sex us up, and make more babies. And of course to make sure there's a warm delicious meal waiting for us at the end of the day.
Paul was speaking for Jesus and Joseph Smith when he said that. Women are commodities in the Lord's kingdom. Aren't they awesome? Do you have one? If not, there's a whole bunch of sexually repressed female Kolobians at BYU with no intention of actually graduating. They're waiting for a returned missionary like yourself to show them just how awkward sex can really be when you've been taught your whole life that it was evil. Go get 'em, Tiger! ;)
Anyway, back to business. And I do mean business. After we were recruited into Elohim's company, He had sex with some of his wives, and in their celestial tummies they created spirit bodies which we were linked into. We were now discrete units of consciousness inside a spirit body, and our new home was a glass planet orbiting a giant star called Kolob. Isn’t it wonderful?
Who knows how long he teased us recruits by prancing around in his superior body, exercising his superior intellect and being followed around by his celestial harem. Eventually, everybody was called into a team meeting. There was electricity in the air. The gossip was flying like crazy. It was time.
Elohim, his wives, his bodyguards, and his servants stood at the front of the meeting and he told us what we needed to do in order to be like him. First, he informed us that Jehova and Michael had created a planet called Earth and planted a garden in it last week. No wonder we hadn’t seen them on Sunday. They must have been exhausted.
Then he said, "Now, Michael is going to take one of his wives down to earth and start making mortal bodies for you to live in. Don’t panic, but you’re going to lose your spirit body for a little while. No, it doesn’t hurt. Well, maybe just a little."
"When you’re born you won’t remember ANYTHING. Your memory will be wiped clean. I won’t give you any evidence of my existence, whatsoever. But I still expect you to do whatever I say. You’ve all been studying very hard and you’ve come a long way. Our new training class is beginning soon so we need to make room. It’s time for you all to be tested. I can’t just make you gods and have you terrorizing the multi-verse. This isn’t a Masonic lodge in Nauvoo. We don’t just promote people to promote them. I must make sure you’re going to represent me and my company admirably."
(Elohim looks at his watch, then up at Kolob and shuffles his feet nervously)
Suddenly someone starts pushing through the crowd. It’s Lucifer: Elohim’s prize salesman. He says he’s been reviewing the retention rate of the last 7,000 classes and it’s consistently stayed at under 1% of the class. That means if we follow through with the test as written 99% of us won’t make it. He said that seems a little counter-productive and serious waste of resources.
Jehova, obviously sore from his recent planet-building activities slowly stands up and tells Lucifer not to question the boss, that it sends the wrong message. He said this is how our family’s company has been doing business all along and there’s no reason to change it now.
A lot of people thought it was dumb that only 1% of us would get to be gods and went and stood by Lucifer.
The rest of us did what any smart businessperson would do: we followed the money.
Now we’re here. If we do everything we’re supposed to do, if we walk up to every covenant we’ve made in the temple, give all our time, money, and even our very lives to the church, and don’t masturbate even once, we might just be lucky enough to be promoted to middle management in Elohim's company.
After all, Elohim is the boss. Even if we become gods, and create our own universes with our own planets and promote our own children to gods, all we will be doing is moving Elohim up the pyramid of glory & dominion.
Now remember: you can’t use magic as a god. That’s not in the program. But if you spend an eternity having sex with thousands of women then you're technically making magic happen, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?
The game plan is to spend the rest of eternity building schools that teach its students how to be teachers. The teachers, then, build their own schools and teach their students how to be teachers. Then those teachers build their own schools and their own students how to be teachers. It’s teachers teaching how to teach, but never allowing their students to teach anything other than how to teach! That's the program. Don't question it. You've already signed up, remember?
Any of you men out there who think this sounds like a colossal waste of time probably have a masturbation problem and need to see your bishop immediately. Any women out there who have a problem being one of an infinite number of breeding cows assigned to one man for the rest of eternity, patiently waiting for your turn in a cycle as slow as the precession of the equinoxes, well, you women just need to learn your place in God's kingdom. Go knit a sweater or something until we call for you.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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