What is Kolobianism?

Kolobianism is a family company. It's the cutting edge in multi-level marketing campaigns. And you, my friend, have already signed up. Betcha didn't know that.

When 14-year old Helen Mar Kimball was commanded by her parents to be one of Joseph Smith's plural wives she knew in her heart of hearts that she was getting in on the ground floor of one of the most exciting investment opportunities this side of the Pleiades.

After all, Joseph Smith has done more for the human race than anyone, including Jesus Christ.

What Joseph Smith has shared with the world is that we are all Intelligences, or discrete units of consciousness. Once upon a time we were approached by an exalted man named Elohim (or one of his headhunters) and told about an exciting opportunity. If we signed up with his company he would give us men the opportunity to be like him. We could have a celestial body (which is waaay better than the meatsacks we're walking around in now), plus we could legally have as many wives as we want! But that's not all. We will get to spend the rest of eternity having glorious celestial sex with as many wives as we can handle, AND we'll get to create universes with our super duper priesthood power.

What's the catch, you say? Not much, really. Unless you're a woman. Women kind of get the short end of the stick on this one. But who really cares about women anyway, am I right? I never trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die.

Just like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11, women were created for man's benefit. The purpose of a woman is to make babies, take care of babies, sex us up, and make more babies. And of course to make sure there's a warm delicious meal waiting for us at the end of the day.

Paul was speaking for Jesus and Joseph Smith when he said that. Women are commodities in the Lord's kingdom. Aren't they awesome? Do you have one? If not, there's a whole bunch of sexually repressed female Kolobians at BYU with no intention of actually graduating. They're waiting for a returned missionary like yourself to show them just how awkward sex can really be when you've been taught your whole life that it was evil. Go get 'em, Tiger! ;)

Anyway, back to business. And I do mean business. After we were recruited into Elohim's company, He had sex with some of his wives, and in their celestial tummies they created spirit bodies which we were linked into. We were now discrete units of consciousness inside a spirit body, and our new home was a glass planet orbiting a giant star called Kolob. Isn’t it wonderful?

Who knows how long he teased us recruits by prancing around in his superior body, exercising his superior intellect and being followed around by his celestial harem. Eventually, everybody was called into a team meeting. There was electricity in the air. The gossip was flying like crazy. It was time.

Elohim, his wives, his bodyguards, and his servants stood at the front of the meeting and he told us what we needed to do in order to be like him. First, he informed us that Jehova and Michael had created a planet called Earth and planted a garden in it last week. No wonder we hadn’t seen them on Sunday. They must have been exhausted.

Then he said, "Now, Michael is going to take one of his wives down to earth and start making mortal bodies for you to live in. Don’t panic, but you’re going to lose your spirit body for a little while. No, it doesn’t hurt. Well, maybe just a little."

"When you’re born you won’t remember ANYTHING. Your memory will be wiped clean. I won’t give you any evidence of my existence, whatsoever. But I still expect you to do whatever I say. You’ve all been studying very hard and you’ve come a long way. Our new training class is beginning soon so we need to make room. It’s time for you all to be tested. I can’t just make you gods and have you terrorizing the multi-verse. This isn’t a Masonic lodge in Nauvoo. We don’t just promote people to promote them. I must make sure you’re going to represent me and my company admirably."

(Elohim looks at his watch, then up at Kolob and shuffles his feet nervously)

Suddenly someone starts pushing through the crowd. It’s Lucifer: Elohim’s prize salesman. He says he’s been reviewing the retention rate of the last 7,000 classes and it’s consistently stayed at under 1% of the class. That means if we follow through with the test as written 99% of us won’t make it. He said that seems a little counter-productive and serious waste of resources.

Jehova, obviously sore from his recent planet-building activities slowly stands up and tells Lucifer not to question the boss, that it sends the wrong message. He said this is how our family’s company has been doing business all along and there’s no reason to change it now.

A lot of people thought it was dumb that only 1% of us would get to be gods and went and stood by Lucifer.

The rest of us did what any smart businessperson would do: we followed the money.

Now we’re here. If we do everything we’re supposed to do, if we walk up to every covenant we’ve made in the temple, give all our time, money, and even our very lives to the church, and don’t masturbate even once, we might just be lucky enough to be promoted to middle management in Elohim's company.

After all, Elohim is the boss. Even if we become gods, and create our own universes with our own planets and promote our own children to gods, all we will be doing is moving Elohim up the pyramid of glory & dominion.

Now remember: you can’t use magic as a god. That’s not in the program. But if you spend an eternity having sex with thousands of women then you're technically making magic happen, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?

The game plan is to spend the rest of eternity building schools that teach its students how to be teachers. The teachers, then, build their own schools and teach their students how to be teachers. Then those teachers build their own schools and their own students how to be teachers. It’s teachers teaching how to teach, but never allowing their students to teach anything other than how to teach! That's the program. Don't question it. You've already signed up, remember?

Any of you men out there who think this sounds like a colossal waste of time probably have a masturbation problem and need to see your bishop immediately. Any women out there who have a problem being one of an infinite number of breeding cows assigned to one man for the rest of eternity, patiently waiting for your turn in a cycle as slow as the precession of the equinoxes, well, you women just need to learn your place in God's kingdom. Go knit a sweater or something until we call for you.

In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.